First things first, before you even would like to read this post here's some notes:
1. This is just me being melo-dramatic on something
2. you dont have to read this if you're after my gaming posts (which will be posted after this)
3. This is your typical emo-love-shit (yeah)
4. yes im over it but i just want to let it out i guess (since i felt so burned out earlier when i remembered it)
5. Yeah im semi-playing GE again
If you read my last post "fake bravado" i'll put in more detail in this one since that was not everything. It had an "aftermath" lol, yeah i feel rather confused x stupid x retarded x silly whenever i still remember it. But i feel burned out everytime i do too.
Let's start i guess:
That post was made during the 1st of january, it was such a bummer that my year was fucked up right from the start. During the 2nd a good friend of mine celebrated his birthday, our whole group went there to celebrate with him. I met up with Patchy (lets use this nick for the girl) and talked with her. I was quite happy because we were talking like there was nothing that happened. I talked seriously with her on what she wanted to happen, i asked if we could still continue on with it.
That time it was so clear to me and yet i didnt accept it, but i guess its the simple "love blinds you" shit. Yeah it sounds retarded but i guess it is true, i normally do think about things like these and i dont let myself get sucked in too deep.
I could see from her face, her expression. That she was confused and that she didnt want to continue on with it. I guess she was feeling pity for my "friend" (yeah that dude), she did tell me that she prioritizes her friends first rather than having/getting a boyfriend. I respected that and i guess i forgot somewhere that i was clinging on to her too much.
We talked and talked, she promised stuff i dont want to talk about anymore. Because in the end the only thing i got was the "promises were meant to be broken" phrase. I walked her home that night, i held her hand but i couldnt look at her face. I talked about things we normally laugh about. Those things that made us "us" i guess...
When we got to her home, i asked it again one last time and i saw it in her face. It was over even though she said "please give me more time to think about it". Whenever i look back at this i do feel stupid, that i blinded myself with fake belief that something of a "miracle" would occur or something.
Days passed slowly as i waited for her reply, but i saw it coming. A rejection filled with flowery words and indirect hints. If you're quite curious, here's an edited text file: [Mediafire]
After that it was a burst of anger or rather a mix of anger, depression and disappointment. I sent patchy a msg with everything i could say i guess, i was hurt, yeah.
I guess this will be my final long letter for you but i hope you are not offended and dont worry im not the type that looks for revenge or plants hate. Im happy for the both of you, may you guys have a fun 2011 and so on
Hey Patchy,
i saw your reply after i got back from dinner, i didnt really have that much of an appetite after what you said (no offense) not that i was rejected the fact that i was played for a fool yet again. (no offense again). Patchy i wished that you were WAY MORE honest. Till the end i believed in everything you said and i realized its just another cliche from a manga or some drama.
You should've told me Patchy that you never did like me or no chance in hell. You promised and yet.. i dont know Patchy. Im just sad, my heart wasnt broken because of the rejection its broken because the trust i gave so much of was shattered. I wont give up on anything but i've already given up on girls way back. I guess i'll take some time before i can collect myself and show you all (yes all of you) again my normal happy-troll-self. Since yet again i was fooled and played again , i may be the fool arcana and im going through my "fool's journey" but im still human and i can only take so much Patchy.
I dont want to hurt you but do you know how much it hurts when you (me i mean) come to a realization of how dumb you (me) sounded? i said alot of "romantic" and shit to you and yet its like that. I mean if you were more honest as a friend i wouldnt have...
I guess i really am a real fool in all ways. The Arcana, The Attitude, My Decisions in Life.
I faked myself so much last night telling you i feel bad for "Emo-friend" haha, instead i was really feeling grim inside myself. I knew it, your expression when you're with me and with him. That is why i cant bear to look at you when we walked last night, because i can see it. Thanks for the sweet times Patchy, whenever you need help i'll be glad to help you but i guess i cant really be my normal happy self. Not now, not tomorrow. I hope you can understand although this will be really harsh on your part. My final advice for you is just to be Really Honest to your friends, cant really describe how suckish i feel atm nor do i want to tell you how hard this hit me.
i have so much more to say but i want to end it here, thanks Patchy and sorry (for you and myself).
I felt so retarded that time, really. I still feel retarded even now bec. of this, but i guess things just fucks up from time to time. After that msg, it took some time but we did make up and we were back to normal. Ofcourse i kept the bestfriend act since i guess i was still chasing her.
She gave hints and such that she still has those feelings for me (from what i saw and what other saw) but i wasnt sure myself. I just continued on with it and i kept blinding myself more and more.
Maybe it was the fact that my emo-friend cant really reach her core even though she liked him. After the fiasco, she was really honest with me with everything (like some dad/bro she can tell stories at). Bec. for one my emo-friend emo'd at me bec. she somewhat rejected him. She told him "after looking back on events, i cant really see myself having a boyfriend / committing into a relationship".
I rofl'd inside i guess, i felt evil bec. im laughing at his despair but imo he deserves it. I wonder if he realizes the magnitude of what he's done to me, how i will forever remember that he fucked up something important to me.
Patchy was a girl i had something with, not like the other girls. She was somewhat my ideal in terms of having someone as a partner in crime. It was diff with her bec. we had alot of similarities and that i really understood her where everyone else couldnt.
Carrying on, we continued our normal talks and chats. To a point of my realization, one should know when to stop with their stupidity and blind faith. I was hoping if i continued with the retarded best friend thing, she'd somewhat realize something i guess. I was wrong to believe that something like that would ever happen, so i just gave up.
But after i gave up she kept messaging back, asking how i am and if im stil mad at her. Its rather confusing, when i try to forget about her she keeps popping back. I feel like im being toyed, or is she blinded that she cant see how i feel. Knowing her she prolly just thinks "ah i wonder how my friend is doing"
For the past 4 months it was like that, like a tape rewinding and playing back and forth. I was chasing something i couldnt reach already, im glad i stopped now... My "kamina" friend gave me realizations that i already knew. He just punched me in the face with realization, for me to realize it. So that i'd accept it, a confirmation from someone else.
Humans love asking others to re-assure themselves. They already know the answers and yet they want the answers to come from someone else to re-assure themselves that what they are thinking was right.
This post has alot of things i'd love to add but i would rather not, i've already shared too much to people who are gonna read this.
TL;DR - This was like a simple love triangle, with the girl undecided on who she'll pick and in the end we all eneded up hurting. But i guess she's over it , my friend must be confused at her answer and im done with it all.
As for my "best friend" ? i cant accept what he did. I cant even call him bestfriend, really. Me and patchy, we had something and he just had to intervene...
As for me, im back to my normal self. Im happy being like this but i still feel burned out whenever i remember it all. The things that could have been, the events that could have happened, the happiness i could've experienced. Everything went ablaze and turned to ashes right before my eyes. But i guess i deserved it after what i did to that girl way back, i still remember her and i guess i would want to talk to her and as for forgiveness.
I feel karma is rather true, after what i did to her most of my relationships went down. This just hit me the most bec. i really loved patchy alot.
I wish i could talk to Ceres again, say that im sorry for what i did...
guess that's the end to my useless post that didnt make much sense, so anyway why did i call her the locked girl?
Bec. She likes locking herself in her own "tower" (yea sorry its not a library like patchy) I thought i was her "marissa" but in the end i was just a koakuma. A helper , nothing more and nothing less.
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